What are some funny and smart quotes?

“Everyone in the Swiss Army owns a Swiss Army knife. That’s why no one messes with Switzerland.”

“It’s a little known fact that pigs are the smartest animal. Scientists say that if pigs had thumbs and a language that they could be trained to do manual labor. They give you 20 to 30 years of loyal service and then at their retirement dinner, you can eat them.”

“Ah just like all women. If they’re not turning down your proposal of marriage, they”re accusing you of suspicious behavior in the lingerie changing room.”

I feel like my boyfriend doesn't love me. Why?

“It’s a little known fact that the tan became popular in the Bronze Age.”

Few people had funnier or smarter quotes than Cliff Clavin from the TV show, Cheers.

They did a study between postal workers and chimpanze...

If everyone in Russia dropped into holes in the ground only never to return, would that be good for NATO and international peacekeepers? Can we convince Russians to be less diabolical, so they coexist? Does Putin stink like doo doo in the commode?

My sister Tracy sent me these a little while ago. I thought I’d share them. Thanks Trace.

“The human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Too much alcohol kills brain cells, especially the slower, weaker ones. So, regular consumption of beer eliminates the slower brain cells after you’ve had a few beers which will speed up your brain.”

“A Freudian slip is when you say one thing when you’re really thinking about a mother.”

I vibrated my dogs shock collar while it was eating my other dog’s food and now it won’t eat. How do I fix this problem?

“There is no rule against postal workers dating women. It just works out that way.”